What to do, when you are getting beaten by more than 25 people?

I am assuming that almost half of us have seen, at least, one person getting beaten by some random uncountable number of people with their hundred limbs flinging, hitting, hurting, punching, slapping, kicking that person’s butt like pulp.

I am talking about that one person, that one human being who gets beaten brutally: what happens if someday unknown hoodlums come and start beating you up for no logical or illogical reason?

I mean, you should be prepared for that.. right?

But you don’t know what to do when you are not strong enough to stop those slaps and punches and kicks and knuckles. No matter how strong you think you are but that ‘one day’ will come that will test you and you will know that ‘that one day’ you might fail. I want to tell you what to do in THOSE crucial moments. I want to give you some advice on how to get beaten properly and get some transcendental pleasure out of it.

The only thing I actually learned in my school was how to get beaten – Proper and Good. Initially I used to look at all those kids who constantly faced the music and it was oh-so-beautiful, it looked like the thing which shocks you for first few seconds but then with every crackling sound of a slap on the chest or the thump of a kick in the gut, it starts sucking the attention out of your mind and your eyes get glued to the hypnotic scene.

There are some techniques which can be used, when hundreds of kicks are about to break your nose/legs/hands/head/back:

a) Duck & crotch

If you get a chance of gauging the direction of the first punch or if you somehow succeed to calculate the time difference between the first punch and the second kick.. you can surely save three bone fractures at that precise moment. Suppose if the first punch is going to hit you straight in your stomach and you catch that coming in the last second..all you have to do is..don’t focus on the pain or shock of the punch, just duck and cover your face from your right hand..and cover it in a manner that you save your eyes, nose and a couple of front teeth..and with the other hand just cup your crotch and lie down on the ground while putting your whole body-weight on your left side..this technique will get you sticks or kicks on your back, shoulders, thighs, if you are very unlucky then head..but still that will save a major chunk of your body. Always Remember – mob wants to see you down on the ground, they never like it when they see the target standing on its feet. If you fall down in the beginning – well.. sooner the better. Mob likes to see you licking the dust and crying.

b) Coiled-up Snake

If you don’t get a single second to figure out what’s happening with you and you suddenly realize that a minimum of 20 people are beating you from all the possible directions..at that time keep taking the blows till the time your lips are not kissing the ground..the moment you hit the floor, start coiling up your body like a snake would do in a snake-charmer’s basket. Coil coil coil, yes its ultimately the same thing as ‘duck & crotch’, but here the more you coil yourself the less you will hurt yourself. This technique has got one more feature which makes it better than Duck & Crotch, you have  to keep revolving your body like you are crawling in a circle. Imagine a dog who is trying to bite his own tail, that is what exactly you have to do, the only difference is that you are lying on the ground.

c)  Play Possom

Simple yet effective. Play Possom or play dead. Forget about whoever gave you that random rant about how you should stay super strong and fight till your last breath. That kind of crap only gets you more injuries and bruises. Stay smart and stay dead. Nobody likes beating dead people except necrophiliacs but according to sources, necrophiliacs don’t attack in groups…they are shy people filled with a lot of love inside their kinky little hearts. Stop breathing for few seconds, leak some saliva from the corner of your mouth and the work is done. Incessant beating will stop after 7 minutes. And make sure that you don’t break into a smile or they will break your smile for good.

d) Suicide-punch

The moment you see 5 fists moving in your direction, all you have got to do is, close your five fingers of your right hand, like you would if you have to catch a fly out of thin air. Make the tightest fist ever and swing it backwards. Swing it back towards your nose with full force. Imagine a rocket penetrating the ozone hole, imagine your worst enemy and punch yourself. Bang in the middle of your face. BAM! It should break one or two bones/teeth. The more the damage, the better. It should bleed like the word profusely. Yes, your nose should start puking that red juice that you have been scared of. Everybody is scared of blood. Trust me, they all are. Let that red water flow before the other fists touch you. Punch your own self and fade in the moans and cries of your favorite lover, in your dreams of course, like a lost tourist in a third-world city. Save yourself with a faint and trickling blood. BAM!

e)  Get Naked

This one comes out of a legendary story that I had heard from my great Grandpa. I must be only 6 at that time. Story goes like this, he was a farmer and after a hard, tough day in the field, he came back to his hut. He saw a Genie (wtf?) sprawled on his bed. Farting on his pillows, shitting in his food, pissing in his water. That Genie was not the ones that are popular in popular culture. This one was a bad-ass cruel, evil, bully kind of a Genie. He asked Genie for an explanation, my great Grandpa was a samaritan and always gave explanations first preference and saw them as potential solutions. Genie laughed and spat on his face. My great Grandpa, after wiping spit off their own face, challenged him out in the field for a fist fight. Genie was more than happy to do a classic Fight-club sort of scene. My great Grandpa was straight as a bamboo stick but nobody knows why, the moment he got out of the hut, he got naked and closed his fists tight to begin the first round. I, myself, don’t believe the rest of the story where they beat the hell out of each other for the next couple of hours. Naked and sweaty, my great Grandpa got punched, kicked, hurt and lost to that bad-ass Genie. Then he told me, if you know that you have got to lose, you must get naked and accept it with grace. With no covers, no inhibitions, nothing.

 

Signed.

A. 

 

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Press Brakes of a Naked Fan

A shirt and a naked fan

 

A cage-less fan
that could cut the sound of random words

I wanted to put it in between us
whenever we had conversations on
the probability of elongated longing
or incomplete transitions

But a lot of times
it just waved the wetness away

Signed
A (dot)

 

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First sentence of my Debut Untitled Novel

The cheap brothels, the rich rag-pickers, the intellectual lunatics, the clean-nosed bankers, the poison-spewing journalists, the intrusive housewives, the headless kings of third grade casinos, the skinny spine-less musicians, the weird beard artists, the innocent tit-suckers, the stubborn insurance executives, the wasted junkies of kashmere gate, the dismantled car-mechanics of old-delhi, the money-minded illiterate school teachers, the over-zealous con-men, the cute-faced scamsters, the off-springs of ambitious politicians, the fake historians of non-existing destroyed history, the evil NGO workers, the teenage nymphets of khan market, the mad readers of trash literature, the soggy newspaper columnists, the grounded acrobats, the enthusiasts of love, the naive fitness instructors, the juicy models from fashion streets, the psychopath poets, the uninhabited security guards… I wanted to kill them all.

 

Signed.

A(dot) 

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A lost street of Paharganj, NewDelhi

Paharganj, Delhi

I took another step
and I lost myself in a forgotten street

where walls were smeared with rusted junk and murals of cobwebs

Ahead of me was blind voices of insects
and behind me
nothing.

Signed.
A(dot)

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