Monthly Archives: October 2012

Untitled deathrow

How strange is

the uniformity

and the way you

see it

is not even that strange

 

How distortions become

a part

of the mirage

and the rage

that generates those ripples

on the forehead

of your cemented self

is disastrously destitute,

lost versimillitude

becomes apparent, latent, creates a religion out of

somnambulism

 

A jest born out of paucity

of glorified terminal illneses,

A farce written on the long tongues and thick thighs

of social disgraces

You are trapped in them, with them,

You helped them

when they conspired the trap

Why were you magnanimous

when they nailed you on your lolling tongue

your legs taught you how to bend

your words taught you to make amends

while you slurped all the immorall phlegm and you did it morally

you were dishonest even when you were commiting crimes

now you know

why they sold you in dozens just for a fucking dime

 

 

Signed

A.

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Palingenesis of Pusillanimous Writer

I was running like a cow, but wait I had never seen a cow, I mean a running cow, then I must be running like an ant. What? No. Now is not the time where I can dance like a clown and make a fool of myself. I have to act like a responsible person of something which is called ‘society’. No. I don’t give a fuck, seriously, yeah. But, no, I have to grow up, I seriously have to grow up, but I don’t even know what does it mean when they say ‘grow up’. What? No. But, I am just innocent, no I was in my room when that murder happened, no, wait, may be I was there, may be I was the one who strangulated him, may be or may be I was the one who was sitting in my room with my wife. No, No, fuck no. I have to find something, no this can never work. I have no wife, or may be I had one and I killed her and ate her in the morning, ate her as breakfast, treated my wife as breakfast and ate her with my coffee but wait no, then who made that coffee, I don’t know how to make coffee. No fuck no, I have to make this work, seriously I mean, I am not in ‘panic mode’, I am as smooth as smooch, I am as articulate as I don’t know what, but yeah, I mean seriously, there has to be I mean there should be something in life which is worth living. What? What did you say? Did you just say that I am mad?? What? I mean, no, I am not saying you are not telling the truth or perhaps you don’t even know what the truth is, but let’s forget about everything, let me forget about everything, let me tell you something which has meaning. What? No? You don’t want something which has ‘meaning’, you don’t know what has ‘meaning’, see, I knew that we both are just like each other, we don’t have to care about anything now, just be my lover, or my cover or just stand like a door which is always there, the door which never stops anyone, yeah that one, the one behind you, above you, on your right hand side. Fuck? did you just say FUCK? no no, wait no, you don’t want to be my lover, I knew it, I know, even I also don’t want to be my lover, I have been telling myself constantly that I am a mean selfish lubricated bastard and I am unworthy of my love, and trust me I am not even surprised if you have decided to abort that love of mine which has been growing in your mental womb from a long time, you should put your head in the oven, for all I care, no but wait, I care about that oven, fuck no, I am not making any sense, there is no structure in the way I live, I mean, fuck no, seriously, what? do you think I am on the bright side, you gauged my happiness from the size of my smiles?? fuck no, I seriously have to start making sense of something, I don’t know what. what? I know that you are not reading it right now, even I am also not reading but I am good at reading your filthy mind which has got no respect for someone else’s filth, I mean seriously?? fuck yeah? No listen, okay I am going to start making sense now, no more drama, no more puzzles, just straight, very straight talk about life and lust and leisure and lassitude.

So I was in love and when I was in love I didn’t want to be in love so I accidentally killed my love, yeah, you don’t trust me, okay you win, you got me you son of the daughter of the bitch, I was never in love, love for me is like watching a movie, I mean, yeah, seriously, who has got spare fucks to give about movies? Yeah so I mean, if the movie is good, when it’s over you think about it for a long time and then forget about it and then watch a new one, or if the movie is bad, you forget about it as soon as its over, ohh okay, you don’t want to talk about love and shit right, I knew that, I knew it, the moment I saw your face, I realised that you came here in this world to make sense, I mean seriously, but wait no, whatever you did has never made any sense, only you thought that it was making any sense but fuck no, it never made any sense, I mean if you just leave your own self and stand five feet away and look at yourself from a distance, you realize that all you have done in your life has never made any fucking sense, yeah fucking sense, I add words like ‘fuck’ or ‘fucking’ to increase the volume of my tone, you don’t agree, I know you think of me as trash, I know you call me a slut or charlatan or a whore perhaps, a nihilistic whore, I mean I don’t live by morals for sure, I mean seriously, fuck no, what do you think when you came here and you thought you will get everything which you will be able to digest, fuck no, my words will fuck your digestion magnificently.

You are not even required in this world so feel as shitty as you can about yourself okay, but wait no, I am here to tell you that you are the greatest soul to leave some piss drops on the soil of this earth, what? you don’t believe me? You don’t believe a single contradictory statement which I try to make. I can say nothing in my defence, I am done hating people, I need to love everyone, I need lust, pure cannibalistic lust, fuck no, I am not absurd, no no, if you think of me as an absurd person, what? I know I can’t change your opinion about me, I know I simply can’t do anything but I can surely tie you up on a big circular bed, I can tie your hands and legs and make you feel like a Vitruvian man/woman (I prefer the WO), fuck no, I am still unable to make any sense, what is the point, there is no logic, fuck existentialism where am I? what is this place? why is everything so wet and lubricated? just why? I have no filth or dirt in my mind I am like a five year old kid with big eyes and phenomenal smile and when I speak, my every sentence is remarkably superior, then why do I have to feel like the way you feel? tell me why? fuck no, I mean seriously, I know that you can not do anything, you are still tied to that bed, I tied you up and I am not going to untie you, I will look at you for hours, I will strip you down and I will look at your skin, I will look at the pores, I will look into your eyes and I will laugh and I will cry and I will contemplate, yeah, you don’t trust me on that, you don’t have to. Fuck no, I mean seriously, don’t look at me like that, don’t give me those looks, I know those looks, I have practised those looks when I was alone, in front of the mirror and everytime I broke the mirror with my imitations of you, mirrors cried and I cried, mirrors never wanted me to act like you or look like you, in mirror’s eyes I only saw myself but since now I can not look in the mirrors anymore I just hear them, I listen to them, I do as they say, I eat when they tell me to eat, I sleep when they tell me to sleep, mirrors saved me from you, otherwise you would have made me your slave, I don’t want to be a slave, of someone who is almost like me but not like me. You don’t understand what is happening here right, you will never understand because when the resurrection happens nobody understands but seriously, fuck no, all I am saying is just look at your puffy eyes, look at that loose skin, notice the edge of your voice, the sharpness, look at your nose, you can use it for something else, you can start eating from your nose now, you have my permission, I know you always looked for my permission for everything in your life but you never did anything, you are me and I am someone else and I am a complete stranger to someone who I used to be and who was the neighbour of my aborted son, fuck seriously I mean, I am sure I don’t have to do anything in my life, what? do you think you will recognize something in me and then you will praise me in front of people who are just like you and you will stand up and the hair on your arms will also stand up and you all will stand up for me and clap and you will give me a round of applause, and I will sprinkle my piss all over you. I mean you don’t have to do that seriously, fuck yeah, I mean, all I am saying is I know what I am, you know what I am not so lets settle on this, lets settle on this that you will never respect me but you will worship me and treat me like some horny god and I will fly and defecate on your heads because that’s what gods do but fuck no, it still doesn’t make any sense, make me feel as if I am in love, I want to believe in what you say or you can never say, you know what, let’s just dig graves and wait for the rain and then when it will start raining we will go home and call everyone and we will all sleep like polar bears, we will hibernate. I know you like me now, I know that you like sleeping, but that won’t take you anywhere, nothing will take you anywhere, because nobody knows where is that ‘anywhere’ but still that’s not the point, I mean, seriously, that’s not the fucking real point, the point is nothing.

Signed

A.

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Find what you can kill and let it love you

Let me start with what Bukowski said – Find what you love, and let it kill you –

..Fuck Bukowski..

I seriously think that the world is shit and I am just covering the shit up for I don’t know what reason. Well let me tell you honestly that I have hated WORK all my life, I seriously don’t get the idea of getting up early and reaching some place, sitting there and talking and being good with not-so-good people, looking at the people who are boring and dumb and you slowly kill yourself with the thoughts of the PAYDAY, that’s all every one works for..right?

If someone tells me that he works for ‘Constructivism’, he can go and gulp donkey’s long dong, this whole system is pure mystical shit, I mean why no one just wants to LIVE?? Tell me why??

 

Let me tell you the day I lived and I mean I actually ‘Lived’

 

That day I was so bored and one of my friend who few days back, for the first time in his life, fell in LOVE with someone and that someone happened to be a High class call girl. That day I met him after my office, I was meeting him after a very long time, we had always been good friends but our families took most of our free time, after all middle age is not that easy and you can’t act like the same teenage delinquent way all your life, but whenever we were together, every time, it felt as if we are the same old delinquents which we used to be in our old forgotten college days. So that day as well, he was the first one who got excited after getting drunk and I was also fairly drunk, that kind of drunk who can go back home and divorce his wife before eating the dinner. Then in a drunken slur, he suggested that we should go and check the whorehouses in the red-light area of our town where he had never ever been. Let me tell you we were never morally against of the whole thing but we only felt that it was for those who don’t get ‘it’ for free and trust me, in our heydays, girls used to play tricks among themselves and they used to fight with each other to be with us, so in a way we always had plenty of food on our plates which we always left for others to eat. So we went there, though we had seen the place from the outside but he never had experienced the whole feel of the red-light area. I didn’t tell him that I had been there before, once, and I, vaguely, knew about how their ‘system’ worked and how you have to keep your eyes open for pimps who are always there to con you. So I took him, straight away, to the most costliest one. The building was the first one in the row and in excitement we climbed some two hundred stairs in two minutes and reached to the main floor where everything was happening. This floor had two big halls and all the girls were dressed like butterflies with overdose of facial powder and some of them looked like mime artists with pink instead of white on their faces. So we sat in the room which was on the left and the head of the prostitutes a.k.a courtesans, an old lady asked me to pay some money right away and told us that that’s the fees of sitting and looking at the queens. I told her that we were not there just to have a look but we were potential customers who check and analyze first and then only buy the goods, but then all the courtesans made revolting facial expressions and  gasped in a way which made us laugh so I gave her some money and the music-guys started playing something utterly unbearable.  My friend was sitting beside me, looking at the ceiling  and thinking about something, I was looking around, observing all the courtesans and laughing inside.

Let me tell you about this friend of mine, he is the kind of IDEAL SON that every parent would love to have, except the recent prostitution adventures, he had never brought any kind of ‘disgrace’ to his family or to any kind of girl and he always did whatever his parents asked him to do and he was always ‘faithful’ to his nagging wife whom he married to save her honor anyways, in other words he lived his life like a responsibility, almost like me. I started talking to an oval faced courtesan while looking at the other fat one who was sitting just opposite me, I don’t remember what I was talking about but me and my friend got bored and made plans to check every fucking corner of this red-light area that night.

So we went to another one, then we went to the cheap ones where courtesans charge you according to single SHOT basis, which averagely lasts from two to three minutes. In these cheap-ones the whole scene was more fucked up and the amount of filthy vomit kind of makeup and their amazingly stupid dresses and gestures were astonishingly awful but due to some unknown reason we found all that interesting and laughable. We went to all of the cheap-ones one by one and in each one of them we had to take a long flight of staircase before reaching the main hall and once in the hall, we saw ourselves surrounded by some odd seventy courtesans and their customers who were choosing their piece of meat and the ‘system’ was that, first you have to buy a token from the counter, yes they had a fucking counter in every hall, everywhere and then you come back and select your piece of rotten meat and then she takes you to her very small shack kind of room and you do her for maximum three minutes  and you come back and go home and sleep.

In every building, in almost every hall, they squeezed our crotches, rubbed us from the outside, some tried to put hands inside our shirts and trousers to arouse us, which actually tickled us and we both were laughing when they were doing it, partly because of our age difference and partly because of alcoholic intoxication. I specially remember this courtesan, who bit me on my stomach and asked me to take her friend who, she claimed, would give me oral pleasures and wont even say no if I ask her for ‘something else’, and I knew what ‘something else’ meant in that sort of place, I knew that was a ploy but I don’t know why I liked both of them, the girl who bit me was dusky and skinny with almost no bosom but had a charmingly depressive face and her friend was pale and wheatish with dead evil eyes and strong shoulders and I am sure they both were twenty years younger than me. So I asked the dusky one if she would be interested in giving me oral pleasures which was her friend’s marketing strategy and not hers. I looked around for my friend who was getting touched by minimum of six courtesans, I waved my hand and asked him what was his plan and he waved his hand in a manner which meant that he didn’t want to do anything and he waved again saying that he will be waiting outside and bought me the token.

When I came back with the token in my hand, the dusky one was nowhere in sight and the wheatish one grabbed my hand and told me that she found me very attractive and I reminded her of her father whom she had never met in her life and she would love to give me all kinds of pleasures. I knew that there were no pleasures in her store for me but still I said okay. She held my hand and took me to some other floor, there I saw many customer-courtesan couples on the shabby stairs and small shack rooms, some talking, some looking at each other, some clothed, some naked, some pissed-drunk and that whole building was stinking of some very bad rotten smell which generally comes out from a seven day old big dust bin. Anyways, when we reached her shack, she asked me if I could wait for five more minutes, I asked her the reason and she, coolly, told me that she already had found another customer before me and she wanted to finish him off in two minutes before me and then she will be able to spend more time with me as she had liked me. I didn’t mind, I said Okay, I had not problems waiting outside, observing the place, I saw small infants of courtesans running and playing around with an orange plastic ball and I saw a lot of young customers who were barely fourteen, the whole scene was depressing and funny at the same time, there was this fridge in the corridor, when I opened it, I saw a pair of stinking flip flops, it seemed as if someone had puked in the fridge repetitively, then I saw four not-more-than-seventeen year old drunk boys sitting on the stairs, waiting for their turn then I heard someone shouting in a shrill squeaky voice, I realized that it was the same girls voice, she was calling me and in her way, abusing me. When I presented myself in her shack-room, I saw her with no bottoms on but she was wearing her top, she told me that she was waiting for me from the last ten fifteen minutes and she told me that she finished him off in record-two-minutes. She told me to hurry up, to take off my trousers as she didn’t have all her life’s time for me. I knew that it was dumb to act mellow,  so I told her to shut the fuck up and I relaxed for a while, the shack room had the ugliest walls I ever imagined and seemed like another pissing-spot for everyone, it contained a bed which was rock-hard and dirt-filled. I took off my pants, she was already naked and she asked me for more money, I asked her why she had suddenly started acting like a beggar and asking for charity, she got angry and told me that it’s compulsory, I told her that I might give her some charity but only when I feel the services are worthy enough. She said that she will prove her worth and she took my limp in her right hand and tried shaking it but I was not turned on a little bit. I was thinking about her daily life,  I remembered when I gave her the token, she returned the token to the same guy on the counter who gave her only a very small amount of money in return and assigned her the room-shack number. She told me to lie down and relax and told me that I can stay there for a long time and asked me if I had been drinking a lot. I told her yes, had been drinking a lot as it’s my happy birthday today, then she said ‘awww’ that must be the reason of your impotency. I told her no its just because she was so unattractive that her steamy eyes made me limp-y, she laughed, for her, it was a joke and she was doing ‘actually’ the hard work of giving me a very dedicated and sincere ‘handshake’ which seemed like a futile effort. For next three minutes I was looking at her moving her hand furiously and sweating and then she got tired and bored. I was still limp-y but she jumped on my limp and tried to do it. I started laughing at her desperation of ‘finishing me off quickly’ and she had expressions of a junior sales representative on her face because my laughter was unexpected. Everything she did was of no use, she got tired and sat against the wall and asked me what was wrong with me. I tried to tease her, saying that I should have chosen her dusky friend only, who wanted to go with me first, who was swearing me in her husky voice. It annoyed her a little bit but she ignored my remark about her friend and asked me what to do. I told her that it’s getting boring and she should rest for a while before going out to fetch a new customer. She didn’t get what I said so I told him that I just wanted her to relax a bit more before going ahead with her finishing-off spree. She said it’s okay and asked me for more money. I told her I didn’t have any so she turned aggressive and warned me that I shouldn’t act smart if I didn’t want to get hurt. I asked her what she meant, then she took out a small sharp-looking knife from her purse and pointed at me. I was not even fully dressed so I told her to wait, asked if I put on my trousers first. She smirked and nodded. I jumped for her hand, to grab the sharp knife, I wanted to shock her and wanted to have some more fun and to tell the truth this act of hers started arousing me. So when I took a small leap, I slipped and landed straight on her head, it was so sudden that she didn’t get any time to move her body, I flinched and saw blood coming out from her neck. Why she couldn’t scream I don’t know but she was making the sound of water when it boils and the knife was half-way through in her Adam’s apple. She could move her hands but she started bleeding profusely and with all the blood dripping on her body, I found myself getting aroused. I realized that there was a very thin chance of me, making a safe exit from the place but somehow the whole scene gave me a strange kind of power. I thought I should go out and seek help but I realized that no one would understand how and what happened and I also might get killed and in-spite of all that I felt a great urge to quench my carnal thirst. So I followed my heart and I put one hand on her mouth and started relieving myself, I felt a feeling which I had never known, I felt as if I was standing in the rain with my mouth open towards the sky and drinking all the rain water, I felt as if my whole body was burning but it was absurdly pleasant. I felt as if I was flying in the air and screaming, cursing my wife. When I was done, I asked her to come out only after few minutes but this time she didn’t respond, she didn’t nod, she didn’t move her pupils but I think she was still breathing. I used her denim to clean all the blood off from my body and I got dressed. I came out of the shack-room and on my way to the exit I met the dusky one, she told me if I ever come back I should choose her, I told her okay and came out of the building. My friend was standing and smoking outside, he told me that he was having fun and he didn’t mind when I left him on his own. I told him what all had happened and we laughed a lot and started discussing on the topic ‘Why when someone do a courtesan, then for the next four days he thinks that every woman is a courtesan’ and we came back home and slept and forgot about the past the next morning.

 

Signed

A.

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Random #938

that sun melted when I saw you

rivers flowed from my eyes

your freckles

became my shackles

your nose became my tie

your skirt that waved and

dissected directions

my breath directed

the sections of your thighs

your ribs made a crackling sound

when I held you in my arms in my dream

your scream

produced a cream

and I pulled your hair with my eyelashes.

Signed 

A.

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