Palingenesis of Pusillanimous Writer

I was running like a cow, but wait I had never seen a cow, I mean a running cow, then I must be running like an ant. What? No. Now is not the time where I can dance like a clown and make a fool of myself. I have to act like a responsible person of something which is called ‘society’. No. I don’t give a fuck, seriously, yeah. But, no, I have to grow up, I seriously have to grow up, but I don’t even know what does it mean when they say ‘grow up’. What? No. But, I am just innocent, no I was in my room when that murder happened, no, wait, may be I was there, may be I was the one who strangulated him, may be or may be I was the one who was sitting in my room with my wife. No, No, fuck no. I have to find something, no this can never work. I have no wife, or may be I had one and I killed her and ate her in the morning, ate her as breakfast, treated my wife as breakfast and ate her with my coffee but wait no, then who made that coffee, I don’t know how to make coffee. No fuck no, I have to make this work, seriously I mean, I am not in ‘panic mode’, I am as smooth as smooch, I am as articulate as I don’t know what, but yeah, I mean seriously, there has to be I mean there should be something in life which is worth living. What? What did you say? Did you just say that I am mad?? What? I mean, no, I am not saying you are not telling the truth or perhaps you don’t even know what the truth is, but let’s forget about everything, let me forget about everything, let me tell you something which has meaning. What? No? You don’t want something which has ‘meaning’, you don’t know what has ‘meaning’, see, I knew that we both are just like each other, we don’t have to care about anything now, just be my lover, or my cover or just stand like a door which is always there, the door which never stops anyone, yeah that one, the one behind you, above you, on your right hand side. Fuck? did you just say FUCK? no no, wait no, you don’t want to be my lover, I knew it, I know, even I also don’t want to be my lover, I have been telling myself constantly that I am a mean selfish lubricated bastard and I am unworthy of my love, and trust me I am not even surprised if you have decided to abort that love of mine which has been growing in your mental womb from a long time, you should put your head in the oven, for all I care, no but wait, I care about that oven, fuck no, I am not making any sense, there is no structure in the way I live, I mean, fuck no, seriously, what? do you think I am on the bright side, you gauged my happiness from the size of my smiles?? fuck no, I seriously have to start making sense of something, I don’t know what. what? I know that you are not reading it right now, even I am also not reading but I am good at reading your filthy mind which has got no respect for someone else’s filth, I mean seriously?? fuck yeah? No listen, okay I am going to start making sense now, no more drama, no more puzzles, just straight, very straight talk about life and lust and leisure and lassitude.

So I was in love and when I was in love I didn’t want to be in love so I accidentally killed my love, yeah, you don’t trust me, okay you win, you got me you son of the daughter of the bitch, I was never in love, love for me is like watching a movie, I mean, yeah, seriously, who has got spare fucks to give about movies? Yeah so I mean, if the movie is good, when it’s over you think about it for a long time and then forget about it and then watch a new one, or if the movie is bad, you forget about it as soon as its over, ohh okay, you don’t want to talk about love and shit right, I knew that, I knew it, the moment I saw your face, I realised that you came here in this world to make sense, I mean seriously, but wait no, whatever you did has never made any sense, only you thought that it was making any sense but fuck no, it never made any sense, I mean if you just leave your own self and stand five feet away and look at yourself from a distance, you realize that all you have done in your life has never made any fucking sense, yeah fucking sense, I add words like ‘fuck’ or ‘fucking’ to increase the volume of my tone, you don’t agree, I know you think of me as trash, I know you call me a slut or charlatan or a whore perhaps, a nihilistic whore, I mean I don’t live by morals for sure, I mean seriously, fuck no, what do you think when you came here and you thought you will get everything which you will be able to digest, fuck no, my words will fuck your digestion magnificently.

You are not even required in this world so feel as shitty as you can about yourself okay, but wait no, I am here to tell you that you are the greatest soul to leave some piss drops on the soil of this earth, what? you don’t believe me? You don’t believe a single contradictory statement which I try to make. I can say nothing in my defence, I am done hating people, I need to love everyone, I need lust, pure cannibalistic lust, fuck no, I am not absurd, no no, if you think of me as an absurd person, what? I know I can’t change your opinion about me, I know I simply can’t do anything but I can surely tie you up on a big circular bed, I can tie your hands and legs and make you feel like a Vitruvian man/woman (I prefer the WO), fuck no, I am still unable to make any sense, what is the point, there is no logic, fuck existentialism where am I? what is this place? why is everything so wet and lubricated? just why? I have no filth or dirt in my mind I am like a five year old kid with big eyes and phenomenal smile and when I speak, my every sentence is remarkably superior, then why do I have to feel like the way you feel? tell me why? fuck no, I mean seriously, I know that you can not do anything, you are still tied to that bed, I tied you up and I am not going to untie you, I will look at you for hours, I will strip you down and I will look at your skin, I will look at the pores, I will look into your eyes and I will laugh and I will cry and I will contemplate, yeah, you don’t trust me on that, you don’t have to. Fuck no, I mean seriously, don’t look at me like that, don’t give me those looks, I know those looks, I have practised those looks when I was alone, in front of the mirror and everytime I broke the mirror with my imitations of you, mirrors cried and I cried, mirrors never wanted me to act like you or look like you, in mirror’s eyes I only saw myself but since now I can not look in the mirrors anymore I just hear them, I listen to them, I do as they say, I eat when they tell me to eat, I sleep when they tell me to sleep, mirrors saved me from you, otherwise you would have made me your slave, I don’t want to be a slave, of someone who is almost like me but not like me. You don’t understand what is happening here right, you will never understand because when the resurrection happens nobody understands but seriously, fuck no, all I am saying is just look at your puffy eyes, look at that loose skin, notice the edge of your voice, the sharpness, look at your nose, you can use it for something else, you can start eating from your nose now, you have my permission, I know you always looked for my permission for everything in your life but you never did anything, you are me and I am someone else and I am a complete stranger to someone who I used to be and who was the neighbour of my aborted son, fuck seriously I mean, I am sure I don’t have to do anything in my life, what? do you think you will recognize something in me and then you will praise me in front of people who are just like you and you will stand up and the hair on your arms will also stand up and you all will stand up for me and clap and you will give me a round of applause, and I will sprinkle my piss all over you. I mean you don’t have to do that seriously, fuck yeah, I mean, all I am saying is I know what I am, you know what I am not so lets settle on this, lets settle on this that you will never respect me but you will worship me and treat me like some horny god and I will fly and defecate on your heads because that’s what gods do but fuck no, it still doesn’t make any sense, make me feel as if I am in love, I want to believe in what you say or you can never say, you know what, let’s just dig graves and wait for the rain and then when it will start raining we will go home and call everyone and we will all sleep like polar bears, we will hibernate. I know you like me now, I know that you like sleeping, but that won’t take you anywhere, nothing will take you anywhere, because nobody knows where is that ‘anywhere’ but still that’s not the point, I mean, seriously, that’s not the fucking real point, the point is nothing.

Signed

A.

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