Find what you can kill and let it love you

Let me start with what Bukowski said – Find what you love, and let it kill you –

..Fuck Bukowski..

I seriously think that the world is shit and I am just covering the shit up for I don’t know what reason. Well let me tell you honestly that I have hated WORK all my life, I seriously don’t get the idea of getting up early and reaching some place, sitting there and talking and being good with not-so-good people, looking at the people who are boring and dumb and you slowly kill yourself with the thoughts of the PAYDAY, that’s all every one works for..right?

If someone tells me that he works for ‘Constructivism’, he can go and gulp donkey’s long dong, this whole system is pure mystical shit, I mean why no one just wants to LIVE?? Tell me why??

 

Let me tell you the day I lived and I mean I actually ‘Lived’

 

That day I was so bored and one of my friend who few days back, for the first time in his life, fell in LOVE with someone and that someone happened to be a High class call girl. That day I met him after my office, I was meeting him after a very long time, we had always been good friends but our families took most of our free time, after all middle age is not that easy and you can’t act like the same teenage delinquent way all your life, but whenever we were together, every time, it felt as if we are the same old delinquents which we used to be in our old forgotten college days. So that day as well, he was the first one who got excited after getting drunk and I was also fairly drunk, that kind of drunk who can go back home and divorce his wife before eating the dinner. Then in a drunken slur, he suggested that we should go and check the whorehouses in the red-light area of our town where he had never ever been. Let me tell you we were never morally against of the whole thing but we only felt that it was for those who don’t get ‘it’ for free and trust me, in our heydays, girls used to play tricks among themselves and they used to fight with each other to be with us, so in a way we always had plenty of food on our plates which we always left for others to eat. So we went there, though we had seen the place from the outside but he never had experienced the whole feel of the red-light area. I didn’t tell him that I had been there before, once, and I, vaguely, knew about how their ‘system’ worked and how you have to keep your eyes open for pimps who are always there to con you. So I took him, straight away, to the most costliest one. The building was the first one in the row and in excitement we climbed some two hundred stairs in two minutes and reached to the main floor where everything was happening. This floor had two big halls and all the girls were dressed like butterflies with overdose of facial powder and some of them looked like mime artists with pink instead of white on their faces. So we sat in the room which was on the left and the head of the prostitutes a.k.a courtesans, an old lady asked me to pay some money right away and told us that that’s the fees of sitting and looking at the queens. I told her that we were not there just to have a look but we were potential customers who check and analyze first and then only buy the goods, but then all the courtesans made revolting facial expressions and  gasped in a way which made us laugh so I gave her some money and the music-guys started playing something utterly unbearable.  My friend was sitting beside me, looking at the ceiling  and thinking about something, I was looking around, observing all the courtesans and laughing inside.

Let me tell you about this friend of mine, he is the kind of IDEAL SON that every parent would love to have, except the recent prostitution adventures, he had never brought any kind of ‘disgrace’ to his family or to any kind of girl and he always did whatever his parents asked him to do and he was always ‘faithful’ to his nagging wife whom he married to save her honor anyways, in other words he lived his life like a responsibility, almost like me. I started talking to an oval faced courtesan while looking at the other fat one who was sitting just opposite me, I don’t remember what I was talking about but me and my friend got bored and made plans to check every fucking corner of this red-light area that night.

So we went to another one, then we went to the cheap ones where courtesans charge you according to single SHOT basis, which averagely lasts from two to three minutes. In these cheap-ones the whole scene was more fucked up and the amount of filthy vomit kind of makeup and their amazingly stupid dresses and gestures were astonishingly awful but due to some unknown reason we found all that interesting and laughable. We went to all of the cheap-ones one by one and in each one of them we had to take a long flight of staircase before reaching the main hall and once in the hall, we saw ourselves surrounded by some odd seventy courtesans and their customers who were choosing their piece of meat and the ‘system’ was that, first you have to buy a token from the counter, yes they had a fucking counter in every hall, everywhere and then you come back and select your piece of rotten meat and then she takes you to her very small shack kind of room and you do her for maximum three minutes  and you come back and go home and sleep.

In every building, in almost every hall, they squeezed our crotches, rubbed us from the outside, some tried to put hands inside our shirts and trousers to arouse us, which actually tickled us and we both were laughing when they were doing it, partly because of our age difference and partly because of alcoholic intoxication. I specially remember this courtesan, who bit me on my stomach and asked me to take her friend who, she claimed, would give me oral pleasures and wont even say no if I ask her for ‘something else’, and I knew what ‘something else’ meant in that sort of place, I knew that was a ploy but I don’t know why I liked both of them, the girl who bit me was dusky and skinny with almost no bosom but had a charmingly depressive face and her friend was pale and wheatish with dead evil eyes and strong shoulders and I am sure they both were twenty years younger than me. So I asked the dusky one if she would be interested in giving me oral pleasures which was her friend’s marketing strategy and not hers. I looked around for my friend who was getting touched by minimum of six courtesans, I waved my hand and asked him what was his plan and he waved his hand in a manner which meant that he didn’t want to do anything and he waved again saying that he will be waiting outside and bought me the token.

When I came back with the token in my hand, the dusky one was nowhere in sight and the wheatish one grabbed my hand and told me that she found me very attractive and I reminded her of her father whom she had never met in her life and she would love to give me all kinds of pleasures. I knew that there were no pleasures in her store for me but still I said okay. She held my hand and took me to some other floor, there I saw many customer-courtesan couples on the shabby stairs and small shack rooms, some talking, some looking at each other, some clothed, some naked, some pissed-drunk and that whole building was stinking of some very bad rotten smell which generally comes out from a seven day old big dust bin. Anyways, when we reached her shack, she asked me if I could wait for five more minutes, I asked her the reason and she, coolly, told me that she already had found another customer before me and she wanted to finish him off in two minutes before me and then she will be able to spend more time with me as she had liked me. I didn’t mind, I said Okay, I had not problems waiting outside, observing the place, I saw small infants of courtesans running and playing around with an orange plastic ball and I saw a lot of young customers who were barely fourteen, the whole scene was depressing and funny at the same time, there was this fridge in the corridor, when I opened it, I saw a pair of stinking flip flops, it seemed as if someone had puked in the fridge repetitively, then I saw four not-more-than-seventeen year old drunk boys sitting on the stairs, waiting for their turn then I heard someone shouting in a shrill squeaky voice, I realized that it was the same girls voice, she was calling me and in her way, abusing me. When I presented myself in her shack-room, I saw her with no bottoms on but she was wearing her top, she told me that she was waiting for me from the last ten fifteen minutes and she told me that she finished him off in record-two-minutes. She told me to hurry up, to take off my trousers as she didn’t have all her life’s time for me. I knew that it was dumb to act mellow,  so I told her to shut the fuck up and I relaxed for a while, the shack room had the ugliest walls I ever imagined and seemed like another pissing-spot for everyone, it contained a bed which was rock-hard and dirt-filled. I took off my pants, she was already naked and she asked me for more money, I asked her why she had suddenly started acting like a beggar and asking for charity, she got angry and told me that it’s compulsory, I told her that I might give her some charity but only when I feel the services are worthy enough. She said that she will prove her worth and she took my limp in her right hand and tried shaking it but I was not turned on a little bit. I was thinking about her daily life,  I remembered when I gave her the token, she returned the token to the same guy on the counter who gave her only a very small amount of money in return and assigned her the room-shack number. She told me to lie down and relax and told me that I can stay there for a long time and asked me if I had been drinking a lot. I told her yes, had been drinking a lot as it’s my happy birthday today, then she said ‘awww’ that must be the reason of your impotency. I told her no its just because she was so unattractive that her steamy eyes made me limp-y, she laughed, for her, it was a joke and she was doing ‘actually’ the hard work of giving me a very dedicated and sincere ‘handshake’ which seemed like a futile effort. For next three minutes I was looking at her moving her hand furiously and sweating and then she got tired and bored. I was still limp-y but she jumped on my limp and tried to do it. I started laughing at her desperation of ‘finishing me off quickly’ and she had expressions of a junior sales representative on her face because my laughter was unexpected. Everything she did was of no use, she got tired and sat against the wall and asked me what was wrong with me. I tried to tease her, saying that I should have chosen her dusky friend only, who wanted to go with me first, who was swearing me in her husky voice. It annoyed her a little bit but she ignored my remark about her friend and asked me what to do. I told her that it’s getting boring and she should rest for a while before going out to fetch a new customer. She didn’t get what I said so I told him that I just wanted her to relax a bit more before going ahead with her finishing-off spree. She said it’s okay and asked me for more money. I told her I didn’t have any so she turned aggressive and warned me that I shouldn’t act smart if I didn’t want to get hurt. I asked her what she meant, then she took out a small sharp-looking knife from her purse and pointed at me. I was not even fully dressed so I told her to wait, asked if I put on my trousers first. She smirked and nodded. I jumped for her hand, to grab the sharp knife, I wanted to shock her and wanted to have some more fun and to tell the truth this act of hers started arousing me. So when I took a small leap, I slipped and landed straight on her head, it was so sudden that she didn’t get any time to move her body, I flinched and saw blood coming out from her neck. Why she couldn’t scream I don’t know but she was making the sound of water when it boils and the knife was half-way through in her Adam’s apple. She could move her hands but she started bleeding profusely and with all the blood dripping on her body, I found myself getting aroused. I realized that there was a very thin chance of me, making a safe exit from the place but somehow the whole scene gave me a strange kind of power. I thought I should go out and seek help but I realized that no one would understand how and what happened and I also might get killed and in-spite of all that I felt a great urge to quench my carnal thirst. So I followed my heart and I put one hand on her mouth and started relieving myself, I felt a feeling which I had never known, I felt as if I was standing in the rain with my mouth open towards the sky and drinking all the rain water, I felt as if my whole body was burning but it was absurdly pleasant. I felt as if I was flying in the air and screaming, cursing my wife. When I was done, I asked her to come out only after few minutes but this time she didn’t respond, she didn’t nod, she didn’t move her pupils but I think she was still breathing. I used her denim to clean all the blood off from my body and I got dressed. I came out of the shack-room and on my way to the exit I met the dusky one, she told me if I ever come back I should choose her, I told her okay and came out of the building. My friend was standing and smoking outside, he told me that he was having fun and he didn’t mind when I left him on his own. I told him what all had happened and we laughed a lot and started discussing on the topic ‘Why when someone do a courtesan, then for the next four days he thinks that every woman is a courtesan’ and we came back home and slept and forgot about the past the next morning.

 

Signed

A.